Solitaire

I feel that I've been a bit introverted lately- a bit more quiet than usual. I'm not sure why, really, but I have been. I've been a bit more reflective, and keep to myself a bit more than I usually do. I've done a lot of thinking lately. Why? you may ask. Well, quite frankly, I don't know. It's not that anything's wrong; everything's fine, actually. I just haven't felt much like being social. Like today, for example. I got out of my two hour long English class and went to the Hawk's Nest for lunch like I usually do. However, this time, instead of sitting with my friend for an hour, I opted to take my lunch back to the room and eat. And also to write this blog. I went to tell her about my deviation from our normal lunch plans and she asked if everything is okay. I told her I was fine, that I just didn't feel like having a bunch of people around today. No, I'm not becoming a troglodyte [word of the day on dictionary.com, which just happens to be my homepage (I thought I'd put it to good use)] although deciding to come back to my room instead of sitting with my friends doesn't seem to be much like me.

Sitting here, I'm thinking about how much I really tend to enjoy time alone- it gives me time to think. I'm pretty content just being by myself. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't mean to sound like a hermit, because I absolutely love hanging out with my friends and going to do things, but lately, not too many people have been able to catch or to keep my attention.

(By the way, this salad is amazing, and I really love Ranch dressing- the artichoke heart is great.)

I'm not sad- just have had a lot on my mind lately. I'm not depressed- just quiet and reflective. I guess we all need some periods in our lives to be quiet- to be by ourselves. This- well, this is my time.

I have a lot floating in my head and a whole bunch of stuff that I'd like to write, like how I have a small theory going that my ever-increasing computer use has contributed to this bout of solitariness; but, I'll spare you.

Anyway, hope everything is well for all who read this, and those who don't.

Love,

Jenni

melancholy memories

I just realized that I don't want to graduate. Not yet. I have one year left, but I'm still not done.

I just stumbled upon a blog by a friend who recently graduated college, and as I read it, a great sadness came over me. Just the thought of leaving the places I'm staying now, shutting the doors to the dorm rooms for the last time, makes me sad. I will be leaving behind a pile of memories for next year's students to come in and sweep under the rugs. They will know nothing of the great times I had in every place I walked on campus. They will know nothing of the friendships I've made and the relationships I've knit with others.

Thinking about all this makes my heart a little bit heavier. Just to know, that in one year, I will be telling my friends, "see you tomorrow (or in one week, or however many days from now) for graduation"; that will be a sad day. The day us young college kids, who entered so fresh and inexperienced, naive and unexpecting into our first years of college, will turn into adults. We will be expected to be responsible, to bear the weight of the world on our shoulders as we join the ranks of countless other working adults that have gone before us.

All I can say is: I'm not ready.

As I read the one blog, I felt for him. It's a sad time really, although I'm sure most of us think of it as a happy time. I don't. To go back and reminisce would only bring up the best memories, which would, undoubtedly, and strangely enough, sadden me. It's amazing that looking back on something so fun and exciting can bring about such melancholy. I am not ready to leave here, I am not ready to go.

So, this is what I propose: I will live out this summer and this year to the BEST of my ability, not taking any experience or opportunity for granted. I will live it up, making friends and building relationships that will last, because that is what makes college what it is, so that, in 20 years when a vague memory of a college experience I had gets me thinkin', I can call those people up and relive "the good ol' days" all over again.

I really don't know that I can convey just how it feels to know that in a year, my life will be flipped upside down, and what I've come to know and love will no longer be a part of my life. I'll miss the dorms, the classes, the food, the smells, the annoying people pounding on the ceiling at 2 a.m., and all of the little things that made college what it is, but I can always come back for those. Right now, I'm going to enjoy what I have, which is a WHOLE other year!

A lot can happen in that time. A lot can change.

I hope to see everyone in the future.

Love,

Jenni

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I just realized.  I essentially do nothing with my time.  Well, at least the time between classes.  Today, I had every intention of sitting down with a rented computer from Fisher and starting some research.  That didn't happen.  Instead, I:

1) checked my mail (I was off to a good start)

2) checked my facebook (This is where it started going downhill)

3) checked my current scrabulous game to see if my opponent had made his move yet.  He did not, so I sat there formulating my next move and hoping that he doesn't use the tile I want to use.

4) checked my myspace. read some blogs. made snarky comments to my brother.

5) looked up the word vehement.

6) decided to write a blog about my use of time.

And now, I need to go to class having made no good progress on anything of importance.  Oh well. I'm allowed to veg sometimes, right?

my day so far...

So, my day so far...

I think if I blog about my day, I may see just how much time I waste doing things like Facebook. I was just sitting here in the library doing a little bit of research for a project and suddenly had an itch to check my Facebook.  That's crazy. and I'm slightly addicted.

So, this morning, I got up at 6:40. Still tired, but I seriously thank God that I got up.  I didn't think I would. Jumped in the shower. Blow-dried hair. Put on some make-up (yet another completely unnecessary thing that I do but still feel like I need it.) Brushed my teeth. Popped a Claritin. Off to class. I took my laptop with me today to work on a group project in the library...man that thing is HEAAAAAVVVYYYY!

Sat in class from 8-8:50...actually participated this time around. After this, I ventured toward the library with a friend to work on a project.  We talked about runny noses on the way there. Don't ask.

Got to the Library, sat down, unpacked and popped open the laptop. YESS! Connection to the outside world!! This is where I first checked my Facebook. Nothing. Not surprising given that its 9 in the morning and I just checked the thing around 1 the night before.

So, finally, my group arrives and we begin our meeting. We're working on a class project that deals with how women are portrayed in mass media and how this affects women's self-image.  Very interesting topic. 

Our meeting ends and the group leaves.  I email them some info and then begin to research more.  So, as I'm reading, a friend comes over who's in the same class and asks me about our project...chat chat chat. It's really a crazy class.

It's amazing to me how much influence the media has over how women view themselves.

I'm getting hungry by this point, so I get up and get a fruitcup from the Library cafe.  I plop back down and pop open the top. MMM! Fresh Fruit!! another addiction. I feel so collegiate all of a sudden. Me just sitting here, researching in the library, eating a fruitcup.  When I picture the typical college student, I fit the mold at this particular point in time. Anyways, after reading some more, I get yet another urge to check my Facebook. Mind you this is less than an hour and a half later. I pop open another window and check it.  nothing. go figure. but i'm still an addict.

And, I just found a hair in my fruit. gross. ew ew gross.

well, now you're up to speed.

hope you enjoyed my babbling.

So, I have to tell ya. When I left for class this morning, I wanted to die. not literally of course, but I had a baaad case of "the Monday's." I wish I could have chased that sun down and kept it from rising. But that would have required work. 

As I put on my bookbag to walk out of my room, I got the sense that everything had just been loaded onto my shoulders (and no, it wasn't just the weight of my 23984028 lb. bookbag on my shoulders). Stress began mounting up. There is soo much to do this week!

BUT! (there is hope) at the end of the week, I will be freeee! and going on a retreat. which is desperately needed.

So, the second thing that I have to tell you is that, as I was walking to class, thinking about all this stressful stuff, I realized that this too, is a day that the Lord has made (so, let us rejoice and be glad in it!)  I couldn't be here without Him. I couldn't breathe, couldn't walk, couldn't see, couldn't ANYthing without my Lord. As I thought on this, my stress began to lift. I kinda realized, that I just need to take things one day at a time. That is, after all, ALL that I'm given. one day. that's it. just one.               and in that day, i can only put one foot in front of the other. that's the only way i can get anywhere.

So far, this semester has proved to be more difficult, more time-consuming, and more challenging than any of the others. but. I can deal. only with God. but I can deal (and do more than deal actually...i can make this gooood)

So, pardon for my rantings, but, i had to tell ya.

Ps. I'm taking time for the Lord and time for me today. just a little bit out of the day, but it's going to make ALL the difference.